I see you, I feel your pain and I hurt with you.

“I found myself asking is my pain even valid in the midst of a global pandemic?”

I lost my daughter Iris Louise on March 8th. I was 4 months pregnant and had to go through a full delivery suddenly after hearing her heartbeat only an hour prior. Recovering physically had to happen first, I was in complete shock that there would no longer be a baby coming in the near future, and now I’m trying to heal mentally in the midst of a pandemic and for a lack of better words I’m a shit show train wreck.

Every single day feels the same, I wake up; confined in the house, without friends and family. I always have this feeling in my throat that i could cry at any second, my chest feels heavy and my womb feels so so empty… I always wonder if i will ever feel whole again. I can’t look in the mirror the way I used to, I get angry at myself and my body although I’m told multiple times there was nothing I could do and it wasn’t my fault. But how do I not blame my body for failing my baby. I’ve begun feeling guilty for asking for help, I don’t want to burden everyone who’s moved on and put the weight of my pain on their shoulders ; and repeat. My “friends” I’ve had for years don’t check in, my own father doesn’t seem bothered by my loss. I found myself asking is my pain even valid in the midst of a global pandemic. I lean on my partner, Andrew a lot, every single day we talk about or baby and our future babies, sometimes we cry and sometimes we laugh, but we always have these conversations. I admittedly tend to shut down and put up walls when I’m in a lot of pain and I like to refer to him as my bulldozer, he’s recognizes the walls and knocks them down. He reminds me every single day, that our baby is with us all of the time and that though it hurts she still made us parents. She was single handedly the most beautiful thing we’ve ever seen, and it is okay and normal and valid to hurt about it & the pain will most likely always be there on some level. It is HARD to grieve the loss of a baby in confinement where you have nothing to do and all the time to think, there are times that the pain feels unbearable and I don’t even know if I can handle it, but the truth is, I have to.. for my baby. I’m experiencing every day for her, she will never get to see the snow fall or the sun shine through the window. Everything I do and every day I survive is for her, I can’t give up, for my baby. And neither can you momma.